Thoughts

Giving up has been a frequent friend of mine lately...I know it's not the best solution but it is the easiest. Slowly I've succumbed to the negative and easy way out. I'm trying to regain ground but it's hard by myself. My struggle now is letting people know that I'm not perfect and I'm struggling and allowing them to help. This song came up on Pandora and instantly summed up what God is telling me...

Feel the Light-Britt Nicole 

Today today you wanna run away now

You brake to keep it together, love

Love is all you need, you're a queen but you'll never

Know it.

Life has come and lift you blinded

Stole your smile, lift you crying

It's not your fault, shame is all you've got now.

Your heart is tangled up in silence

It's time to let go

And feel the light (feel the light)

I know it's easier to hide

But you gotta let go

And feel the light, let go and feel the light

Be brave, brave the waters all around you

I'll stay I'll keep you from sinking down

(Love) Love is on your side, it's stronger then you'll

Ever know

So many years of quiet

Building up like a fire inside

Feeling like you gotta let it out now

Just let it out

Your heart is tangled up in silence

It's time to let go

And feel the light (find the light)

I know it's easier to hide

But you gotta let go

And feel the light let go and feel the light

How did you get here

Your locked inside of all this fear

Inside your crying out

Your minds at war

Get out, get out and live for more

There's so much more

Live for more

Your heart is tangled up in silence

It's time to let go

And feel the light (feel the light)

I know it's easier to hide

But you gotta let go

And feel the light, let go and feel the light

Brave, brave waters all around you

I'll stay, I'll keep you from sinking down.

Satisfied

God, 
I'm striving to depend on you. I'm crying out for you to show me where I need to be. Lord I am calling out to you to find me and help me see the path you have for me. Lord I want so much but never realize you are all I need and should desire. You are enough for me. You are all I need. Your death on the cross paid the ultimate price for all that I deserve. I don't even deserve this life you have blessed me with yet I want so much more. I can't get past the fact that I feel forgotten and neglected so I cry out to you with a long list of wishes and so called "needs." But nothing compares to what I have already been given, a new life in you. A clean slate, forgiveness from my sins of the past, present, and future. Who am I to ask for anything but your forgiveness? How can I sit here with my plan and ask for that instead of the plan you have for me? How do I think I can just pray to you when I need or desire something? No I have no right to do any of those things. You should be the one I call upon day and night for forgiveness, not material goods or wishes of the heart. I should call upon you daily in praise and thanksgiving because you are that awesome. I should life your name higher than any other name or worldly thing and have it be the only thing that comes from my mouth, shouts of joy of how you have saved me. Praises of thankfulness that are louder than any cry of despair I have ever had. Lord I pray that you will grant me the humility and wisdom that so many of my peers have. I pray I would not envy their lives but instead be grateful and so humbled my the life you have allowed me to live day after day and take for granted. Lord I pray you will be the only thing that comes to my mind when I need to be satisfied in any way. I pray you will be the only one that can fulfill my needs. Show me not to fear the unknown future but instead rest knowing you have my future already planned and set in motion. I pray you'll guide my steps in that path so I can know that in everything I do I'm doing it for you. God help me see you are all I need. Let me depend on you and no one and nothing else. You are more than enough. 
In your most holy name, Amen 

Prayer...

Lord, I pray you will guide me and show me the path you have for me. I pray you will clear my head of all these things that take my focus away from you and place your words in my head. I pray you will give me the strength to make it through these tough times and the energy to praise you while I go through it all. Help me find your peace and love and know that I can make it through it all. 

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Got so Far to Go

Call me crazy but this week especially, God has been showing me different passages about suffering. We all suffer but none of us suffered as much as Jesus. He came and suffered for me and did it so I could have a relationship with God. If he didn't die and rise again there is no way that I would be able to talk to God like I do. There would be no connection, no relationship, no love, no anything. I'm starting to realize how great the love God has for me and how amazing it is to know that it's all because of His sacrifice. I could never do anything close to what Jesus did and because of that I am now able to call God my father. Alright God, you have my attention. I'm here to to what you've planned for me and I'm trying like heck to get it right and glorify you. Help me to be all you've created me to be. Help me become the daughter you died to make me. I've got so far to go in this walk but I'm praying you'll be there every step of the way to catch me if I fall and lift me when I'm down so I can praise you fully and completely with all that I have. 

Starting Now

A new year, a new start, a fresh kickoff. It always seems to go so fast but it also seems to take forever to get to where I'm at. How I've dreamt of how my life would be now. I'd be almost done with college, have tons of friends who I would hang out with and just have fun with, have a great relationship that I knew was going to last me my lifetime, be successful in some type of job that would carry me through graduation, be so wrapped up in God that people would look at me and see Christ shining through, have a great relationship with my family, be able to just be me and not worry. As of now I can check one or two things off of this ideal life I had planned but that's about it. It's so hard to see what I've wanted to have and what I actually do have. I'm not saying that my life sucks or I am so down and out because I am so incredibly blessed more than most. It's just so hard to get past that dream life and live in the reality God has put me in. I am so very fortunate to go to a top private university and get an outstanding education but I struggle with myself and my motivation. I find it so hard to actually get out and do something. I've been in a rut for so long and why I don't know. Being able to just focus and stay on task has been a struggle for me and never in my life was it ever like that. I used to be able to get 10 things done at a time and not even break a sweat. Now I'm too busy worrying what to get done first and how to do it that I just give up and say forget it all. God, why is this scattered life becoming what I'm living? I've been trying to focus on you and give it to you but it seems that I'm trying in vain. I ask and you do not answer. I call to you and I hear nothing. Am I asking too much? Am I doing too little? What must I do to fully rely on you, believe you have my life and know what you are doing with it, and praise you with what little energy I do have? I had so many expectations for this new year, 2011, and 8 days in I haven't accomplished one. I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow but that just brings me closer to the end of another week, another month, and soon another year. God, how do I get through all this? How do I find the life you have for me and live it glorifying you? I question so much when I know I shouldn't but God I'm losing my way. I'm struggling to find which path to take and what direction you want me to go. I'm losing my faith in myself. God, show me what you have for me. Guide me in your steps, help me focus on you and no one else. I get so distracted with the things that I want but I need your hand to take hold and walk me through. I want so much but I need you to show me what you want for me instead. If it is your plan for me to get good grades than walk me through. If it is your plan for me to find that relationship I've been desperately searching for than walk me to it. If I am to pull my family together and bring us to you than walk me through the steps that help them get there. I know you have everything I need and everything I need you know what it is but sometimes on this earth I find it is very easy to lose focus and not rely on you. God, I'm putting it all in your hands and relying on you. I'm calling you to you and believing you will pull me through. God I praise you in this storm. Even though it is smaller than others I pray you raise me up and show me your path. I lift it all to you. In your precious Son's name who shed His blood for me, Amen 

This So Called Thing Called Life...

Lately it seems like God has been throwing some curve-balls at me and I just can't seem to swing at them right. I've been trying my best to do what is pleasing to others and not myself. I've been trying so hard to make sure I am making everyone happy and make sure everyone is ok and there lives are going good. But why am I trying so hard to please everyone else? Why am I not please the one and only person that deserves my attention and glory? I have been neglecting Him for so long that I feel so lost and disconnected. I feel His presence but I don't feel Him near. I'm afraid to ask anyone for help with my struggles because I don't want to burden their lives. I'm afraid to let go of things that I shouldn't hold on to but I fear that if I let go my hope for what I'm holding will disappear. These are my struggles among so many other things that would fill up so much space. I'm hoping that one day I can feel again the comfortable feeling I had before. I'm hoping there can be a sense of joy and peace in my life that never leaves me. I'm hoping I can win this battle over myself and make God my number one instead of the world. I'm praying to fully rely on Him for everything instead of my stupid self. I'm praying He will lead me to the right person to help me through this craziness so I don't have to handle it all alone. I'm praying it will all come down to what God choses for my life and how happy I will be to live those choices out for Him. I learned today at church a very important lesson I think. We are given a life where we can choose to see it as making choices for us or making choices that glorify God but no matter what they are choices chosen for us by Him. He is walking beside us every step of the way but it's our choice if we want to walk along side Him and avoid his being there or if we want to take hold of His hand and grab on tight, willing and wanting to take the ride of your life. He is with us always no matter how hard we try to deny it or avoid Him. It's just up to us if we want to be with Him always as well. 

Tonight this is my prayer.

HOSANNA-Save Us Lord...

I see the King of glory 

Coming down the clouds with fire 

I see His love and mercy 

The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes 

The people sing, the people sing 

Washing over all our sin 

Hosanna, hosanna 

Hosanna in the highest 

I see a generation 

Rising up to take the place 

With selfless faith, with selfless faith 

I see a near revival 

Stirring as we pray and seek 

We're on our knees, we're on our knees 

Heal my heart and make it clean 

Open up my eyes to the things unseen 

Show me how to love like You have loved me 

Break my heart for what breaks Yours 

Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause 

As I walk from earth into eternity 

Stupid Boy

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around?
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy, oh, you always had to be right
But now you lost the only thing
That ever made you feel alive

It took a while for her to figure out
She could run but when she did
She was long gone, long gone