This So Called Thing Called Life...

Lately it seems like God has been throwing some curve-balls at me and I just can't seem to swing at them right. I've been trying my best to do what is pleasing to others and not myself. I've been trying so hard to make sure I am making everyone happy and make sure everyone is ok and there lives are going good. But why am I trying so hard to please everyone else? Why am I not please the one and only person that deserves my attention and glory? I have been neglecting Him for so long that I feel so lost and disconnected. I feel His presence but I don't feel Him near. I'm afraid to ask anyone for help with my struggles because I don't want to burden their lives. I'm afraid to let go of things that I shouldn't hold on to but I fear that if I let go my hope for what I'm holding will disappear. These are my struggles among so many other things that would fill up so much space. I'm hoping that one day I can feel again the comfortable feeling I had before. I'm hoping there can be a sense of joy and peace in my life that never leaves me. I'm hoping I can win this battle over myself and make God my number one instead of the world. I'm praying to fully rely on Him for everything instead of my stupid self. I'm praying He will lead me to the right person to help me through this craziness so I don't have to handle it all alone. I'm praying it will all come down to what God choses for my life and how happy I will be to live those choices out for Him. I learned today at church a very important lesson I think. We are given a life where we can choose to see it as making choices for us or making choices that glorify God but no matter what they are choices chosen for us by Him. He is walking beside us every step of the way but it's our choice if we want to walk along side Him and avoid his being there or if we want to take hold of His hand and grab on tight, willing and wanting to take the ride of your life. He is with us always no matter how hard we try to deny it or avoid Him. It's just up to us if we want to be with Him always as well. 

Tonight this is my prayer.

HOSANNA-Save Us Lord...

I see the King of glory 

Coming down the clouds with fire 

I see His love and mercy 

The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes 

The people sing, the people sing 

Washing over all our sin 

Hosanna, hosanna 

Hosanna in the highest 

I see a generation 

Rising up to take the place 

With selfless faith, with selfless faith 

I see a near revival 

Stirring as we pray and seek 

We're on our knees, we're on our knees 

Heal my heart and make it clean 

Open up my eyes to the things unseen 

Show me how to love like You have loved me 

Break my heart for what breaks Yours 

Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause 

As I walk from earth into eternity 

Stupid Boy

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it, push it around?
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't

You stupid boy, oh, you always had to be right
But now you lost the only thing
That ever made you feel alive

It took a while for her to figure out
She could run but when she did
She was long gone, long gone

Wishing

So I've been thinking lately about all the things that I've been wishing for in my life...For example, I wish I lived in a place where seasons actually occurred. California take note, this is what fall is supposed to look like. This week you are doing a better job at it than before but can we keep it up, Please?

I've also been wishing that I was in God's word more than I have been. It seems that I get so caught up in the little things in life and I just push Him aside. I think "Oh I'll read my Bible tonight" or "I'll get up early and do it tomorrow morning" but as you can probably tell this becomes a vicious circle and nothing ever gets done. I am trying to pray to Him everyday that I will grow stronger in Him and make it a desire of mine to wake up starving for His Words and Guidance. 

I've also been wishing (and this is really selfish of me but I can't help it) I would find someone that is just out of this world, perfect, one-of-a-kind, most Godly and humble servant of the Lord, loving, generous, handsome, funny, and courageous. Sad to say I'm still in this dreamland waiting by my window, looking for my knight in shining armor to come riding in on his white horse and sweep my off my feet. In 20 years it still hasn't happened, almost but that turned out to be the devil in disguise. I know God has a wonderful plan for me and has someone waiting in the wings that will come when I fully trust in God to put him in my life but can you give me some Lord, if you could give me some assurance that he is coming that would be great. Even just a little nudge in the right direction so I don't miss him that'd would be helpful too. 

This is would be my ultimate dream come true if David Beckham came riding up one day but he is married so I'll settle for the next best thing (my future husband, wherever you are)

I've been dreaming to about my family and how great it would be if we all were the picture perfect family that got along and had no issues whatsoever. We all would gather in this Norman Rockwell like painting and have a real Thanksgiving, sharing and eating together and just praising God that we all had everything we needed, each other. I know I am incredibly blessed with the family I have despite our craziness (which I know every family has) but sometimes year after year the same grouchiness and unkind attitudes that I see from everyone gets pretty old. 

So for now I'll keep wishing and praying that God will take these dreams and make them what He wants them to be. I'll keep trying to remember that this wishing only gets me so far. I actually need to put in some hard work if I want to make these dreams come true. 

On a side note...

So lately I've had so much going on in my head that I haven't quite figured out where to begin. I feel that I get so far and I just stop and give up or I just figure I can do it later because I'm kinda ahead but eventually I end up more behind than I thought I would be. Being sick this past two weeks has thrown me for a loop. It's just going to my head. I need to vent to someone. I don't even think venting is the right word. I think going out and having a nice talk with someone without having to talk about school or tutoring or work or my future or other thought provoking things. Just someone to talk to about nothing really. Even if we just sit and stare at people or the stars or something. Anything. I feel like I need to get away for a day, and not just somewhere in Riverside or Corona. Somewhere where you can just sit for the day and relax. So ultimately I need a) someone to talk/sit and do nothing with and b) somewhere to go. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated...

Getting it right

I've realized that you need to go to the Dr. the moment you start feeling like crap. It's been two weeks of literal hell for me and yesterday I found out why. Infection is a bad thing. The only thing that gets rid of it is antibiotics. Not Tylenol, or cough syrup or any other herbal/medicinal drug. It's like trying to get rid of a poo on you shoe. It only goes away when you finally scrape it off. It doesn't magically disappear when you keeping stepping in it. (Bad metaphor I know but...). SO with the help of some great medicine and sleep you would think I'd be feeling better already but no.  A day is not enough. I feel the same, sadly to say a little worse than before, but I guess with something like this it takes time to get over. A lot of things in my life have been like that. They have gotten better with time and the right medicine. Hopefully soon this will too and I'll be able to get back on track and be my old self again. Until then I think it's time for a nap....

Yesterday...

It always seems that yesterday seems so long ago but in reality it is always less than 24 hours ago. I feel like time is moving by so quickly but going by so slowly at the same time. I look back on my life so far (which is actually pretty short) and realize how many expectations and plans I had. There are so many dreams and ideas that I thought I would have by now but it's funny how God makes you see that the ideas and dreams I had were not part of His plan. I'm slowly realizing how much of my life has been lived according to me and how I've wanted things to play out but that's not how life should be. I've been hit with so many "duh" moments lately that have made me see how much of God's plan I haven't been able to see. It seems that He has been showing me so many signs that I've been ignoring for so long that now that I've seen them I wonder why they heck I haven't seen these things before. So much of it has been just letting go and just being me again with myself and with others and allowing myself to not give a crap about what others' think of me. I should be living this life for God and no one else. They don't determine how the rest of my life pans out, He does and He is the only person I should be concerned pleasing. Psalms 25:15 "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet fro the snare." I pray that I can remember this verse daily so that when tomorrow comes, I can look at yesterday knowing I looked to God and He made it great. 

Reality can't be that far

This past week has been crazy for me. I have been in such a funk that I can't seem to find where I put my head. I am having such a hard time focusing on what needs to get done that I end up having more than I can handle and then I just let it all go to pot. I am in desperate need of some guidance and I seem to keep asking God for some but I have yet to find it. I feel like I am wasting my time on so many thoughts and ideas that no longer need to be in my head but I just can't let things go. My mom told me something the other day that has really stuck with me. She said don't bother thinking about things or people that you know aren't giving you a second thought. She couldn't be more right but at this point it's a lot easier said than done. I feel like all my feelings and emotions have been sucked out of me and they have disappeared. I am in a great need of something or someone to grab hold of and give me a good whack in the face to wake me up. Anyone willing to do that? Anyone out there...Literally hit me with your best shot. It just might help. 

Happily Ever After?

Once upon a time....
I've always believed in happily ever after. I'm the girl sitting here dreaming about my own happily ever after that someday (hopefully soon) will happen. I think I take these fairy tales too seriously. But come on, it's kind of hard not to. They're being thrown in your face, left and right. From the classic Disney movies from when you were young to the romantic comedies that make you hope for that quirky, yet charming man to come and sweep you off your feet (sometimes literally), happily ever after seems so real. In reality, sometimes, it is. But can it really be that simple? Do you just instantly lock eyes with your soul mate and just know he's the one? Do you have that awkward hate then love relationship where you realize you can't live without each other? Sadly I hope so. I dream that all these romantic things will come my way one day and I'll have the fairy tale I've been dreaming about for so long. My prayer is that God will create a fairy tale for me and it will be the best that's ever been written or dreamed. Until then...I'll keep dreaming <3

Questions and Answers

“Better to ask a question than to remain ignorant.”

So I've decided to write this blog...but I'm not sure what it's purpose will be. Will I make it my journal for all to see? Should I write about myself? Do I address what I stand for or what I believe? Can I talk about nothing? I wish sometimes there was a way to get questions like these answered. Questions that I can never find the answer to are the hardest to solve. There are so many questions that I have about life, God, my future, my family, history, the world, and everything in between. I know better not to question so many things but it's hard sometimes when it seems like that is the only way you can find things out. People are just open to sharing without some sort of question being asked. I have never heard a conversation without questions. They are always there. Questions lead to more questions and then to more questions. Some questions asked are only answered with a question. So my question is this...Should I create this blog to be a question of sort. A place where I can ask questions without someone on the other side questioning me? Should I desire answers to my questions or just let them go answered? I'll see if I can go find some answers to something. In the meantime....