Starting Now

A new year, a new start, a fresh kickoff. It always seems to go so fast but it also seems to take forever to get to where I'm at. How I've dreamt of how my life would be now. I'd be almost done with college, have tons of friends who I would hang out with and just have fun with, have a great relationship that I knew was going to last me my lifetime, be successful in some type of job that would carry me through graduation, be so wrapped up in God that people would look at me and see Christ shining through, have a great relationship with my family, be able to just be me and not worry. As of now I can check one or two things off of this ideal life I had planned but that's about it. It's so hard to see what I've wanted to have and what I actually do have. I'm not saying that my life sucks or I am so down and out because I am so incredibly blessed more than most. It's just so hard to get past that dream life and live in the reality God has put me in. I am so very fortunate to go to a top private university and get an outstanding education but I struggle with myself and my motivation. I find it so hard to actually get out and do something. I've been in a rut for so long and why I don't know. Being able to just focus and stay on task has been a struggle for me and never in my life was it ever like that. I used to be able to get 10 things done at a time and not even break a sweat. Now I'm too busy worrying what to get done first and how to do it that I just give up and say forget it all. God, why is this scattered life becoming what I'm living? I've been trying to focus on you and give it to you but it seems that I'm trying in vain. I ask and you do not answer. I call to you and I hear nothing. Am I asking too much? Am I doing too little? What must I do to fully rely on you, believe you have my life and know what you are doing with it, and praise you with what little energy I do have? I had so many expectations for this new year, 2011, and 8 days in I haven't accomplished one. I keep saying tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow but that just brings me closer to the end of another week, another month, and soon another year. God, how do I get through all this? How do I find the life you have for me and live it glorifying you? I question so much when I know I shouldn't but God I'm losing my way. I'm struggling to find which path to take and what direction you want me to go. I'm losing my faith in myself. God, show me what you have for me. Guide me in your steps, help me focus on you and no one else. I get so distracted with the things that I want but I need your hand to take hold and walk me through. I want so much but I need you to show me what you want for me instead. If it is your plan for me to get good grades than walk me through. If it is your plan for me to find that relationship I've been desperately searching for than walk me to it. If I am to pull my family together and bring us to you than walk me through the steps that help them get there. I know you have everything I need and everything I need you know what it is but sometimes on this earth I find it is very easy to lose focus and not rely on you. God, I'm putting it all in your hands and relying on you. I'm calling you to you and believing you will pull me through. God I praise you in this storm. Even though it is smaller than others I pray you raise me up and show me your path. I lift it all to you. In your precious Son's name who shed His blood for me, Amen